I will warn you right now, this is gonna be a long one! I am not kidding when I titled this "A Novel"! so you better be in for the long haul! It was originally my idea to start this blog to help me and Seui with some things we are struggling with and also to help us stay a part of each others lives after she moves away. However, we have been preparing for Seui's wedding and my poor brain completely shuts off the emotional side once the stress piles up...until the dam breaks...which would be now. So I have been unable to post because it would have been completely void of anything touching or entertaining, the two things I am best at! So here is my belated first post...and I'm making up for lost time...
First I should give you some back info. I am 30, LDS and single. Normally I am not bothered by being single. I am really good at being single. I work, travel and play. I spoil other people's children. I spend time doing whatever makes me happy and I focus on building my testimony. I have only dated one person for an extended period of time, there have been lots of blind dates and I promise that if I took the time to tell you about each of them I could make you laugh till you pee! There have been lots of bad experiences with random men as well. I have tried pretty hard over the years to not become a bitter, sad, lonely spinster. If I do not have the opportunity to marry, I want to age into that spunky old spinster who views life as an adventure! I'm not going to lie, there have been many breakdowns and many many tears, and I would honestly rather be married than single. However I do not want this to overshadow who I am and what good I can still do in this world.
Because of my age, and the culture I live in, I have A LOT of married friends. I have cried, and sometimes sobbed, at all of the weddings of my friends. Most often this is because of my happiness for them. Sometimes it has been the knowledge that our friendship will never be the same (all of the married people can just calm down and take a deep breath and look at how their closest friendships changed...see they did! so don't tell me it won't change things! I have been through this way more times than a human being should!) Recently though, I have experienced a new development; envy. Don't get me wrong, every wedding I have been to and pretty much every time I have been to the temple I have thought at least once "I wish it was my turn". But I have never felt such heartbreaking painful envy as I am now experiencing.
Almost a month ago one of my dear friends, who has been married for a year, was sealed to her husband in the temple. She is expecting their first child and they worked very hard to be able to be sealed before he was born. The day of their endowment session (the night before their sealing) was just a plain old day...I was excited for them and I was so happy I was able to be a part of their joy! During the session my mind was wandering as is usually tends to do. (maybe that is why I have such bad wanderlust?) And then it happened. About half way through, it hit me like a ton of bricks. In the realm of eternal progression and fulfilling our purposes, this little friend of mine (she is 21) was now leaps and bounds ahead of me, and heading down a path that I fear I will never be allowed to set foot on. This little 21 year old, someone so young, had in her possession everything I had ever dreamed of, an eternal marriage, and an eternal family, and all of the promises of returning to be in our Father's immediate presence. Before this moment my dream had never felt so far out of reach. In the past I have logically accepted that I could possibly never marry, but I realized in this moment that my heart had never even considered it, until now.
The floodgates burst open and I had to sit there, holding back sobs, in that quiet, reverent room full of my friend's family, for over half an hour. By the time we went into the Celestial room I was crying so hard I couldn't even speak. I only remember one other time that I have cried this hard in my whole life...and we aren't going there. Her family looked so panicked over my obvious meltdown that they began to hug me and try to make me laugh. However this only made things worse because I simply wanted to hide in a corner and bawl it all out to Tinfu (Tinfu is Heavenly Father's name in Cantonese and it has become habit with me and Seui that when we are speaking of him affectionately, we call him by that name...) There was one helpful part of it, My friends mother came over and hugged me for the fifth or sixth time and she told me that she had a new motto in life: "Right. Not, right now". I admire her for having this perspective, and I used to possess it too, however no matter how many times I chant it in my head I can't seem to get that viewpoint back!
I stayed in the celestial room and cried my heart out until the next group came in, then I went to the dressing rooms and leaned my face against the cold metal wall of the stall and cried for another 20 minutes. During this time I honestly kept thinking "what is wrong with me? why cant' I stop crying?" but don't you worry...I kept crying for another half an hour after that in my car! When I finally stopped crying I was too exhausted to analyze my psychotic break. I made it through the sealing the next morning fine and so I just tried to shove my meltdown to the back of my mind, and I was very successful at it because I threw my self wholeheartedly into planning and preparing Seui's wedding. Every waking hour was completely filled with this wedding because if I had a down moment I would make it full with lists of the lists I had made to list out the plans for the wedding. (yes I know how crazy I sound, but Seui had told me for years that I would be helping her with this...so I wasn't taking over or anything...I was just channeling my energy into something that was already my responsibility...don't judge).
The day of the wedding (last Saturday) came pretty quickly (I don't know why I had assumed those three weeks would creep by?!) and it was full of the usual wedding chaos! A wedding isn't complete without it! I was running on an hour and a half of sleep so I am hoping that can be where I place the blame for my emotions that day! I have to say that Seui's wedding was honestly one of the most spiritually touching events of my life.
Seui has never had it easy, spiritually speaking. She has had to fight to gain and to keep pretty much every last scrap of her testimony. I doubt that she knows this, but a lot of my testimony has been built or strengthened through her sharing her struggles with me and through my pleadings for her to receive the answers she desired. Recently we have discussed a lot about how she decided to marry the man who is now her husband. She admitted that she was still hung up over someone else (who she did receive closure over before the wedding) and that she worried this man may not be the very best choice for her, but he was still a good choice nonetheless. So many people gave her grief over her choice. They tried to convince her that she was settling and that she would not be happy. I had been with her throughout their entire four year courtship and through quite a bit of the courtship with the other guy. I knew how she was feeling and I could sympathize with her from some of my own experiences. However I never felt that she was making the wrong choice. Seeing the two of them together and knowing that she felt peace about her choice convinced me that this was the right choice for her, but I plead with Tinfu to help her be more sure.
We also had discussed recently, and very tearfully, some of her concerns about her deceased Father, who was not active before he passed away. Our conversation about this (over text, during conference...yup, that's how we have meaningful conversations!) broke my heart. I have never prayed so hard for someone else as I did for my dear friend to know that her Dad was ok and that she would see him again. I knew in an overwhelming way that he was fine and that he continually watches over her, but she was basically telling me that she didn't feel the same way.
I'm sure Seui will share her side of her happily ever after story but this is my chance to think through my side of it. On the day of her wedding she was so calm and peaceful. When she walked into that sealing room she had perma-grin and was glowing. Just seeing her happiness beam in her face was an answer to my prayers. I am more than just a little deaf and so I have never really had much luck hearing the sealers in the temple, this is a fact I have learned to deal with, so instead I people watch and try to listen through the feeling in the room. This proved to be a fatal plan this time. As I began looking around the room I watched the subtle interactions between the other guests. As the sealer spoke and Seui and Hubby gazed lovingly at each other my heart began to break with the sad prospect that I will never have someone look at me in that way. I began to alternate my people watching with staring at the ceiling to try to hold back my tears. Another friend, who had quite the struggle finding her happily ever after, reached over and squeezed her husbands hand in a loving reminder of their own covenants. The promise in their eyes was amazing. Yet another friend, reached over and grabbed her husbands hand so he could feel their child moving inside her. The joy of this experience was so beautiful on their faces. Gradually through this all the feeling of Seui's Father's presence continually increased. He was there for his little girl and he wanted everyone in the room to feel it. The love in this room was stronger than I have ever felt it in any other circumstance.
By the time the sealing was over I found my self once more holding in the sobs and wanting to hide in a corner. I knew that if I tried to talk to Seui, or if I even hugged her, I would have a complete breakdown and I couldn't do that because I had to stay with her to fix her hair before she left the temple and once we went outside I would have to face not only her family but my own, and I DO NOT like showing my emotions. I sat to the side of the room and allowed everyone else to offer their congratulations and silently hoped they would forget they still needed to allow me my turn. They didn't. I adore Hubby and I was grateful for his happy smile and big hug. But then he didn't let go. He just kept hugging me and started thanking me for so many things and I felt myself starting to loose control. Then when he did let go I had to face Seui. I have never fought so hard to hold my composure (tears are streaming down my face days later as I write this, if that is any indication...) She wrapped her arms so tightly around me and started to cry and just said "Dad was here". All of my struggles were wasted. We both just stood there hugging so tightly while she cried and I sobbed.
I regained most of my composure...until we were left alone in the Brides room and I asked her how she felt. She said that she had never imagined that anything could feel this right and this perfect. She filled me in on what the sealer had said. I had never heard (or been told later, since I don't actually hear them) a sealer speak in such specifics for a couple. usually they just speak of happy families and temple covenants. This sealer, however, spoke specifically to their struggles and desires and answered so many prayers. He had even told her that he felt her Dad there in the room as well, and that he knew that she and Hubby belonged together.
The rest of the day went perfectly amazing. I was so tired that I was slap happy (I will take that over sobbing any day!) and we got everything done just in time. The joy over this new marriage was tangible in every part of the day. Even those who had questioned her reasons and happiness were seemingly elated. It was just like sitting on the sidelines of a favorite fairy tale.
At the end of the fairy tale we are told that the hero and heroine live happily ever after and it is left up to our imaginations what that entails. But we never hear what happens to the ugly step sisters, or the fairy godmothers, or the faithful servants, or the little animal friends, or any of the other people living in the kingdoms. I don't honestly know which role in the story I play, I feel like I am one of the lowliest little mice in the back of the barn, but I know that often I am blessed with the viewpoint of the fairy godmother, there for all the action, but not down in it...just floating off to the side watching. No matter which part I play, I can only ignore my emotions for so long before they come back with a vengeance. That breaking point happened the second I was alone, in my car driving home.
The sobs came out so hard and so fast I couldn't form a prayer in my mind so I hope that the words of my heart are an acceptable prayer. I cried and I vented and I begged and sobbed until I gave myself an asthma attack. Once I could breathe again I cried even more. I have never felt so heartbroken, hopeless and desolate in my life. I didn't even know i could feel this way. I had to beg Tinfu to help me be able to understand why I was feeling this way.
I had picked the title of this blog weeks ago because the song "Redeemer of Israel" has often been a tender mercy for me (yes even before Elder Bednar pointed tender mercies out to us, using this song as an example...). So many lines in that song had been used to touch my heart throughout my life, especially those in the fifth verse, but until the sealing experience earlier this month the line "let the sweet longing for thy Holy place, bring hope to my desolate heart" had never impacted me the way it does now. The term 'desolate heart' intrigued me and so I had thought about it for several days and I realized that this was the perfect description for the empty ache inside of my heart and I knew that the reason for my meltdown in the temple a month ago was because I had no hope left in my desolate heart. I had the longing to return to live in My Heavenly Father's presence with my very own eternal family, but there was no hope that this longing would ever be fulfilled. So that seemed like a fitting title, since this blog was to be our way to share our spiritual journey with each other...and we both seemed to lack somewhat in the hope area.
Unfortunately, during my meltdown of all meltdowns I realized just how long my journey would be. I have always thought that I had it pretty easy and that I was sitting pretty good. I have always had a strong testimony of My Father's love and I have learned time and time again that things go better when I simply trust him and follow his will. I know HE loves me. But my heartbreak isn't about his love. Its about my solitary confinement on this planet far away from him. I cannot wrap my brain around how he can love me so much and yet no one here can even find me appealing! (I know I have many friends and loved ones here but that is not the kind of love I am hurting for right now so please stay with me...) The most pain doesn't come from the fact that I'm not married, it comes from being completely invisible to all men with honorable intentions. The pain comes from spending so much time and energy improving myself so I can be the best wife and mother I can possibly be, only to never have the chance to have someone see those qualities in me. I can't even list for you the reasons why I am not married, because the list is both too long when I am being overly critical of myself, and too hard to pinpoint when friends are trying to help me open myself up more. The pain comes from longing your entire life (yes I can remember specific instances from when I was a very small child to back that statement) for the opportunity to care for and nurture your family and to have someone wholeheartedly, openly, honestly and unabashedly love you, and then waiting year after year, and putting yourself out there to be rejected time after time and being passed over more times than others can even imagine. I have never doubted my Father's love but I have, for quite some time, doubted whether that love would ever provide me with the longings of my heart.
I have tried to comfort myself that if I never have the chance to marry that at least I would never have to wonder if I had missed my opportunity. It has been blatantly obvious that the lack of opportunity could mean that it is not what is in Tinfu's plan for me. However as I sat there sobbing and questioning my Heavenly Father I had a troubling thought come to my mind. If I have trouble believing that God cares enough about me to give me someone who loves me, and trouble believing that he cares about the details of my life, (don't worry I fully believe that he cares that much about everyone else and that his hand is in the details of everyone else's life...I just often feel like he couldn't care less where I go or live or work or whatever else I do), Then does that mean that I have less or no faith in him?
The thought that I have weakened faith in my Tinfu broke my shattered heart more, and I didn't even know that was possible. To add to this I have witnessed in myself over the past couple of days a bitterness that has settled into the corners of my pile that used to be my heart. I find myself even responding to promptings of the spirit with doubt or a snarky response that questions my Father's love for me specifically. I do not like this but I don't know how to rid myself of it. My mind knows that He loves me and that he has a plan for me. My mind knows that when it seems like He is ignoring me, He actually just wants me to trust him and open my heart to what he wants for me instead of what I want. But what I don't know is how to heal my heart.
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