No ' You' Turns Allowed

There is one lesson that seems to be pounded into my brain and heart continually throughout my life, and yet I still don't seem to get it. Heavenly Father will give me what I need. Not what I want. I always end up far better than I ever could have imagined. However it is still hard, in the middle of it all, to let go and trust that even though it may hurt, I will come out of it better, stronger, and closer to God.  I intend to write more on this later (actually I have intended to write about this since the middle of December...) but for now this will have to speak the volumes that are weighing down my heart.

Nephew Prayers

I love listening to my Nephew's prayers.  I have been visiting family for the Holidays.  During our nightly story time and prayers my one nephew who is 6 prays for the following:  "We are thankful for our house and all the stuff in it, thankful for the Oxygen and Hydrogen and the Carbon Dioxide in the air so we can breathe.  Thankful for wood and the plants.  Please help us to play the Wii well and that Mario won't die die (You can die, but if you die you have to continue).  He is such a smarty that everything is scientific.  My other nephew is so in tune with others' feelings and he always prays for others.  They are the cutest!!

Moving with Faith

So me and My new hubby have had quite the trial finding a place to live in Colorado.  I kind of got mad at him for not finding many places.  I really didn't think he was putting in much effort to be honest.  Well now I feel bad.  So I flew out to Denver a couple of weekends ago to give my female approval on some apartments. It turned out to be quite harder than expected.  Everything that we saw online looked fantastic, but then when we arrived at the places to look at them we about died because either A.  the neighborhood was scary B. the apartment was in shambles or C.  The apartment was both A and B!  It was awful.  We finally just narrowed it down to 2 apartments.  The one was in a basement of a house and it was clean and the landlord was awesome (and spoke with a cool Austrailian accent).  But it was in a basement and the neighborhood was not my fav.  There is a seemingly nice Hispanic family that lives upstairs, but I didn't really get to talk to them much.  I wanted to keep looking I don't do well with basement apartments.  So the other one we looked at was awesome!! It had a pool and workout room.  An awesome rec room and huge theater room. I was so excited!  The area looked fantastic and clean also.  Wahoo!  They showed us the room which was tiny but super cute too and bright and happy. Although the hallway looked like something from a horror movie, I chose to ignore that detail.  We decided not to sign up right then even though we were pretty sure we wanted to live there.  When we got in the car we decided to pray about the 2 apartments.  We both felt like either one is just fine.  So we decided on the one with the pool of coarse.  Heck for the same price we might as well.  As we were sitting in the car we noticed the area looked really familiar.  Then we noticed it was! We were only 5 blocks from the other apartment and had no idea.  We figured the Lord wanted us in this area.  As I was thinking about our new apt, I felt like I should check the online reviews of the complex. Man was I in for a surprise!  Out of 26 reviews not one single review was positive.  Everyone was a warning not to move in.  They said they show you a nice apt and the one they give you is awful.  Everything is falling apart and no one will fix things.  Management there is awful.  And.....it says it has tons of cockroaches and bed bugs.  AHHHH! I am terrified of bed bugs.  I read them to my hubby and we looked at each other and said "Prayer answered"  We are taking the other one. We knew that one was clean and good management.  Even if it was basement we can make it our home and invite the spirit better.  I am grateful  for prayer and listening to the prompting to look up the reviews.  I feel good about our decision and hope we can find acceptance in the area.

The Tender Mercies of the Lord

This one will be short...to make up for the last one...and more up beat too. I promise I'm not really the gloom and doom type. Well...I guess maybe I am pretty good at being the gloom and doom type but it's not the usual me? Ya, lets go with that one!
Have you ever had a day where you think to yourself "I deserve a reward just for being nice today and not killing anyone"? They happen occasionally for me, and yesterday was certainly one of them! I woke up with that grumpy chip on my shoulder that kept confirming to me that there are far too many stupid and annoying people in this world. I feel pretty guilty about this because one of my closest friends is in town (she lives on the other side of the country) and she was my first appointment for the day. While her hair color was processing I got to play with her absolutely adorable baby girl, who we will call Minnie (because I love Minnie Mouse and sadly enough the first thing I saw when I looked up from my computer to think of a good alias was a Minnie Mouse doll. Yes, I know that's a little childish. No, I do not care.) I loved every second I got to spend with Minnie and her Mom and I am so grateful that I started my day off with them because my next appointment was a doosey!
You know that one crazy old lady that every one in town knows but has a different nickname for? The one that feels shortchanged by life so she expects everyone to bend over backwards for her? The one who is racist, loud, inappropriate, and overbearing? Ya...so...I have the great privilege of having the crazy lady's undying loyalty. Yeah. Me. so I got to spend 4 hours yesterday perming and setting her hair.  It is all I can do to be nice to her on a good day so yesterday was definitely a challenge. By the time I finished her hair, one of the girls one the other side of the salon said "man! that woman wears me out all the way over here!" so you can imagine what direct contact with her radioactive personality is like. After finishing all of my other appointments and being sucked emotionally dry by the crazy lady, I was pretty much begging for some kind of reward for surviving the day!
Well, I got my reward today, over and over! It wasn't any of the rewards I had requested (yes I did list off rewards during my evening prayers that I felt were appropriate for simply enduring my day...I know...I can be kind of a brat to Tinfu...I'm sorry.) My rewards today were very small and simple and yet so amazing. I constantly had the spirit confirm to me that numerous occurrences today were tender mercies. Even just in conversations today people would ask me about something in the recent past and I would update them on it and as I did the spirit would whisper "see...tender mercy". I lost count of all the Tender mercies that were brought to my mind today. When I wasn't realizing a new tender mercy I was searching my memory trying to recall the scripture about the Lords tender mercies being over all...but I couldn't remember the rest of it. I just looked it up. "The tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith..." Even the tender mercy scripture was a tender mercy today! If his tender mercies are over me then doesn't this say that he hath chosen me because of my faith? who knew I still had faith? I'm feeling a little better about life today...!
Now to end, I wanted to get on here and share a huge tender mercy from the other day but it never happened...so here it goes...
I found a new Mormon message the other morning and it made me cry. I have loved this story ever since the first time I heard it as a teenager so I was so excited that I could now listen to it in an apostles voice. I always caught on to the part about how Tinfu knows what he wants you to become so trust him...but this time it dawned on me that for the past 14-16 years I have loved a story about how sometimes it really hurts to not get what you think you deserve, and that getting angry at the one who knows what you truly NEED does not benefit you in any way. He is the Gardener here...He knows what he wants me to become. Even if it hurts when he cuts me back, it is still for my benefit. Ironic, isn't it?

Also I apologize that this really wasn't a short post...I just dont know when to shut up...

What Was I So Afraid Of?

Well I am now a married woman and I'm thinking What was I so afraid of?  I am a 31 year old Mormon female and until now unmarried. I felt like in this Utah culture I was considered anciently old and there must be something wrong with me.  I even got told once by a Bishop that because I had many opportunities to get married,where some woman haven't had any that I would forever be a messenger angel and never make it to the Celestial Kingdom.  This statement really affected me.  I kept thinking..wait...should I have said yes to theses previous guys and gone through with the wedding??  But at the time I felt like it either wasn't the right time or the right guy for me.  I didn't want to settle and I didn't want to get married just because everyone else my age was. So I turned them down and continued down the single path of life each day feeling older and older and losing hope for my fairy tale happy ever after. Even when I did meet the right guy I wasn't prepared and had no desire for marriage. Luckily he is a VERY patient man and stuck around for years for me to see what was right in front of me.  I kept thinking back to the previous guys and thought... maybe I did blow my chance.  Maybe I was just to scared.  And maybe things would have been just fine, but I never felt peace until my current husband proposed.  I had watched as all my friends had gotten married and then started having kids.  Now most of my friends are on child number 2 or 3 and I am just barely getting started!  Ha ha I've decided when the timing is right and its God's timing also then things just come together.  I never did have the "I just knew" answer come to me like a bolt like most of my friends, but I did continue to feel peace and calm and comfort.  I just kept moving forward and praying the God would stop me if this was going to end up being a catastrophic decision.  I felt lots of interference from Satan, but still clung to that calm and peaceful feeling. I know I made the right decision even though I know life won't be all easy and perfect even now.  But the thing is, my hubby is my teammate, he is the one I feel I can be myself with and is my equal.  Someone that will work together with me on our life's trials.  I really feel like things can happen in the blink of an eye.  Many friends of mine met and married their spouse within months and they are very happy.  I think hope is key, but also living life in a way that makes you happy.  Get out and meet people.  Go to ward activities, be open to new friendships..Who know their brother could be your future spouse!  I even think online dating can be a blessing.  I have had many friends have lots of success meeting their spouse online.  Sometimes we have to wait longer for what we want, but through those trials and time spent wondering and on our knees praying,  when we finally do receive the thing we have been waiting for it is more amazing than we ever thought and we are so much more appreciative and humbled.

My Very Desolate Heart: A Novel

I will warn you right now, this is gonna be a long one! I am not kidding when I titled this "A Novel"! so you better be in for the long haul! It was originally my idea to start this blog to help me and Seui with some things we are struggling with and also to help us stay a part of each others lives after she moves away. However, we have been preparing for Seui's wedding and my poor brain completely shuts off the emotional side once the stress piles up...until the dam breaks...which would be now. So I have been unable to post because it would have been completely void of anything touching or entertaining, the two things I am best at! So here is my belated first post...and I'm making up for lost time...
First I should give you some back info. I am 30, LDS and single. Normally I am not bothered by being single. I am really good at being single. I work, travel and play. I spoil other people's children. I spend time doing whatever makes me happy and I focus on building my testimony. I have only dated one person for an extended period of time, there have been lots of blind dates and I promise that if I took the time to tell you about each of them I could make you laugh till you pee! There have been lots of bad experiences with random men as well. I have tried pretty hard over the years to not become a bitter, sad, lonely spinster. If I do not have the opportunity to marry, I want to age into that spunky old spinster who views life as an adventure!  I'm not going to lie, there have been many breakdowns and many many tears, and I would honestly rather be married than single. However I do not want this to overshadow who I am and what good I can still do in this world.
Because of my age, and the culture I live in, I have A LOT of married friends. I have cried, and sometimes sobbed, at all of the weddings of my friends. Most often this is because of my happiness for them. Sometimes it has been the knowledge that our friendship will never be the same (all of the married people can just calm down and take a deep breath and look at how their closest friendships changed...see they did! so don't tell me it won't change things! I have been through this way more times than a human being should!) Recently though, I have experienced a new development; envy. Don't get me wrong, every wedding I have been to and pretty much every time I have been to the temple I have thought at least once "I wish it was my turn". But I have never felt such heartbreaking painful envy as I am now experiencing.
Almost a month ago one of my dear friends, who has been married for a year, was sealed to her husband in the temple. She is expecting their first child and they worked very hard to be able to be sealed before he was born. The day of their endowment session (the night before their sealing)  was just a plain old day...I was excited for them and I was so happy I was able to be a part of their joy! During the session my mind was wandering as is usually tends to do. (maybe that is why I have such bad wanderlust?) And then it happened. About half way through, it hit me like a ton of bricks. In the realm of eternal progression and fulfilling our purposes, this little friend of mine (she is 21) was now leaps and bounds ahead of me, and heading down a path that I fear I will never be allowed to set foot on. This little 21 year old, someone so young, had in her possession everything I had ever dreamed of, an eternal marriage, and an eternal family, and all of the promises of returning to be in our Father's immediate presence. Before this moment my dream had never felt so far out of reach. In the past I have logically accepted that I could possibly never marry, but I realized in this moment that my heart had never even considered it, until now.
The floodgates burst open and I had to sit there, holding back sobs, in that quiet, reverent room full of my friend's family, for over half an hour. By the time we went into the Celestial room I was crying so hard I couldn't even speak. I only remember one other time that I have cried this hard in my whole life...and we aren't going there. Her family looked so panicked over my obvious meltdown that they began to hug me and try to make me laugh. However this only made things worse because I simply wanted to hide in a corner and bawl it all out to Tinfu (Tinfu is Heavenly Father's name in Cantonese and it has become habit with me and Seui that when we are speaking of him affectionately, we call him by that name...) There was one helpful part of it, My friends mother came over and hugged me for the fifth or sixth time and she told me that she had a new motto in life: "Right. Not, right now". I admire her for having this perspective, and I used to possess it too, however no matter how many times I chant it in my head I can't seem to get that viewpoint back!
I stayed in the celestial room and cried my heart out until the next group came in, then I went to the dressing rooms and leaned my face against the cold metal wall of the stall and cried for another 20 minutes. During this time I honestly kept thinking "what is wrong with me? why cant' I stop crying?" but don't you worry...I kept crying for another half an hour after that in my car! When I finally stopped crying I was too exhausted to analyze my psychotic break. I made it through the sealing the next morning fine and so I just tried to shove my meltdown to the back of my mind, and I was very successful at it because I threw my self wholeheartedly into planning and preparing Seui's wedding. Every waking hour was completely filled with this wedding because if I had a down moment I would make it full with lists of the lists I had made to list out the plans for the wedding. (yes I know how crazy I sound, but Seui had told me for years that I would be helping her with this...so I wasn't taking over or anything...I was just channeling my energy into something that was already my responsibility...don't judge).
The day of the wedding (last Saturday)  came pretty quickly (I don't know why I had assumed those three weeks would creep by?!) and it was full of the usual wedding chaos! A wedding isn't complete without it! I was running on an hour and a half of sleep so I am hoping that can be where I place the blame for my emotions that day! I have to say that Seui's wedding was honestly one of the most spiritually touching events of my life.
Seui has never had it easy, spiritually speaking. She has had to fight to gain and to keep pretty much every last scrap of her testimony. I doubt that she knows this, but a lot of my testimony has been built or strengthened through her sharing her struggles with me and through my pleadings for her to receive the answers she desired. Recently we have discussed a lot about how she decided to marry the man who is now her husband. She admitted that she was still hung up over someone else (who she did receive closure over before the wedding) and that she worried this man may not be the very best choice for her, but he was still a good choice nonetheless. So many people gave her grief over her choice. They tried to convince her that she was settling and that she would not be happy. I had been with her throughout their entire four year courtship and through quite a bit of the courtship with the other guy. I knew how she was feeling and I could sympathize with her from some of my own experiences. However I never felt that she was making the wrong choice. Seeing the two of them together and knowing that she felt peace about her choice convinced me that this was the right choice for her, but I plead with Tinfu to help her be more sure.
We also had discussed recently, and very tearfully, some of her concerns about her deceased Father, who was not active before he passed away. Our conversation about this (over text, during conference...yup, that's how we have meaningful conversations!) broke my heart. I have never prayed so hard for someone else as I did for my dear friend to know that her Dad was ok and that she would see him again. I knew in an overwhelming way that he was fine and that he continually watches over her, but she was basically telling me that she didn't feel the same way.
I'm sure Seui will share her side of her happily ever after story but this is my chance to think through my side of it. On the day of her wedding she was so calm and peaceful. When she walked into that sealing room she had perma-grin and was glowing. Just seeing her happiness beam in her face was an answer to my prayers. I am more than just a little deaf and so I have never really had much luck hearing the sealers in the temple, this is a fact I have learned to deal with, so instead I people watch and try to listen through the feeling in the room. This proved to be a fatal plan this time. As I began looking around the room I watched the subtle interactions between the other guests. As the sealer spoke and Seui and Hubby gazed lovingly at each other my heart began to break with the sad prospect that I will never have someone look at me in that way. I began to alternate my people watching with staring at the ceiling to try to hold back my tears. Another friend, who had quite the struggle finding her happily ever after, reached over and squeezed her husbands hand in a loving reminder of their own covenants. The promise in their eyes was amazing. Yet another friend, reached over and grabbed her husbands hand so he could feel their child moving inside her. The joy of this experience was so beautiful on their faces. Gradually through this all the feeling of Seui's Father's presence continually increased. He was there for his little girl and he wanted everyone in the room to feel it. The love in this room was stronger than I have ever felt it in any other circumstance.
By the time the sealing was over I found my self once more holding in the sobs and wanting to hide in a corner. I knew that if I tried to talk to Seui, or if I even hugged her, I would have a complete breakdown and I couldn't do that because I had to stay with her to fix her hair before she left the temple and once we went outside I would have to face not only her family but my own, and I DO NOT like showing my emotions. I sat to the side of the room and allowed everyone else to offer their congratulations and silently hoped they would forget they still needed to allow me my turn. They didn't. I adore Hubby and I was grateful for his happy smile and big hug. But then he didn't let go. He just kept hugging me and started thanking me for so many things and I felt myself starting to loose control. Then when he did let go I had to face Seui. I have never fought so hard to hold my composure (tears are streaming down my face days later as I write this, if that is any indication...) She wrapped her arms so tightly around me and started to cry and just said "Dad was here". All of my struggles were wasted. We both just stood there hugging so tightly while she cried and I sobbed.
I regained most of my composure...until we were left alone in the Brides room and I asked her how she felt. She said that she had never imagined that anything could feel this right and this perfect. She filled me in on what the sealer had said. I had never heard (or been told later, since I don't actually hear them) a sealer speak in such specifics for a couple. usually they just speak of happy families and temple covenants. This sealer, however, spoke specifically to their struggles and desires and answered so many prayers. He had even told her that he felt her Dad there in the room as well, and that he knew that she and Hubby belonged together.
The rest of the day went perfectly amazing. I was so tired that I was slap happy (I will take that over sobbing any day!) and we got everything done just in time. The joy over this new marriage was tangible in every part of the day. Even those who had questioned her reasons and happiness were seemingly elated. It was just like sitting on the sidelines of a favorite fairy tale.
At the end of the fairy tale we are told that the hero and heroine live happily ever after and it is left up to our imaginations what that entails. But we never hear what happens to the ugly step sisters, or the fairy godmothers, or the faithful servants, or the little animal friends, or any of the other people living in the kingdoms. I don't honestly know which role in the story I play, I feel like I am one of the lowliest little mice in the back of the barn, but I know that often I am blessed with the viewpoint of the fairy godmother, there for all the action, but not down in it...just floating off to the side watching. No matter which part I play, I can only ignore my emotions for so long before they come back with a vengeance. That breaking point happened the second I was alone, in my car driving home.
The sobs came out so hard and so fast I couldn't form a prayer in my mind so I hope that the words of my heart are an acceptable prayer. I cried and I vented and I begged and sobbed until I gave myself an asthma attack. Once I could breathe again I cried even more. I have never felt so heartbroken, hopeless and desolate in my life. I didn't even know i could feel this way. I had to beg Tinfu to help me be able to understand why I was feeling this way.
 I had picked the title of this blog weeks ago because the song "Redeemer of Israel" has often been a tender mercy for me (yes even before Elder Bednar pointed tender mercies out to us, using this song as an example...). So many lines in that song had been used to touch my heart throughout my life, especially those in the fifth verse,  but until the sealing experience earlier this month the line "let the sweet longing for thy Holy place, bring hope to my desolate heart" had never impacted me the way it does now. The term 'desolate heart' intrigued me and so I had thought about it for several days and I realized that this was the perfect description for the empty ache inside of my heart and I knew that the reason for my meltdown in the temple a month ago was because I had no hope left in my desolate heart. I had the longing to return to live in My Heavenly Father's presence with my very own eternal family, but there was no hope that this longing would ever be fulfilled. So that seemed like a fitting title, since this blog was to be our way to share our spiritual journey with each other...and we both seemed to lack somewhat in the hope area.
Unfortunately, during my meltdown of all meltdowns I realized just how long my journey would be. I have always thought that I had it pretty easy and that I was sitting pretty good. I have always had a strong testimony of My Father's love and I have learned time and time again that things go better when I simply trust him and follow his will. I know HE loves me. But my heartbreak isn't about his love. Its about my solitary confinement on this planet far away from him. I cannot wrap my brain around how he can love me so much and yet no one here can even find me appealing! (I know I have many friends and loved ones here but that is not the kind of love I am hurting for right now so please stay with me...) The most pain doesn't come from the fact that I'm not married, it comes from being completely invisible to all men with honorable intentions. The pain comes from spending so much time and energy improving myself so I can be the best wife and mother I can possibly be, only to never have the chance to have someone see those qualities in me. I can't even list for you the reasons why I am not married, because the list is both too long when I am being overly critical of myself, and too hard to pinpoint when friends are trying to help me open myself up more.  The pain comes from longing your entire life  (yes I can remember specific instances from when I was a very small child to back that statement)  for the opportunity to care for and nurture your family and to have someone wholeheartedly, openly, honestly and unabashedly love you, and then waiting year after year, and putting yourself out there to be rejected time after time and being passed over more times than others can even imagine. I have never doubted my Father's love but I have, for quite some time, doubted whether that love would ever provide me with the longings of my heart.
 I have tried to comfort myself that if I never have the chance to marry that at least I would never have to wonder if I had missed my opportunity. It has been blatantly obvious that the lack of opportunity could mean that it is not what is in Tinfu's plan for me. However as I sat there sobbing and questioning my Heavenly Father I had a troubling thought come to my mind. If I have trouble believing that God cares enough about me to give me someone who loves me, and trouble believing that he cares about the details of my life, (don't worry I fully believe that he cares that much about everyone else and that his hand is in the details of everyone else's life...I just often feel like he couldn't care less where I go or live or work or whatever else I do), Then does that mean that I have less or no faith in him?
The thought that I have weakened faith in my Tinfu broke my shattered heart more, and I didn't even know that was possible. To add to this I have witnessed in myself over the past couple of days a bitterness that has settled into the corners of my pile that used to be my heart. I find myself even responding to promptings of the spirit with doubt or a snarky response that questions my Father's love for me specifically. I do not like this but I don't know how to rid myself of it. My mind knows that He loves me and that he has a plan for me. My mind knows that when it seems like He is ignoring me, He actually just wants me to trust him and open my heart to what he wants for me instead of what I want. But what I don't know is how to heal my heart.

Let the Lower Lights be Burning

Well For the start of this blog I can't think of a better experience to share than the experience I had this past sunday with the topic of my talk.  To be brutally honest as of late I have felt very abandonded by God.  My prayers haven't seemed to be getting answered and the anger has taken over any hope I was clinging to.  I was assigned the topic of Hymn number 335, Brightly Beams our Fathers Mercy.  I was to talk on how Christ is the Light house and we are the Lower Lights guiding others to Christ.  The first part of my assignement sounded great, but then I read through my email and caught the part where they wanted me to talk on God's Mercy.  When I read that, my head dropped and I felt utterly sick to my stomach. How could I speak on a subject I just didn't believe in anymore?!  I felt God was the least merciful being and more like a kid with a magnifying glass in the sun and I was the ant getting my head fried!!  I even asked the Bishop "Do I lie and pretend I have a testimony of Gods mercy??"  I was so upset by the prospect.  I sought advice from many friends and one of my mission companions shared some fabulous insights on Gods mercy.  As the time to Sunday ticked closer I still couldn't pull my talk together.  I decided to share about the Lower Lights then basically read the notes my mission companion had shared with me.  I felt there was no other option.  When I arrived at church I went thru all my notes to make sure I had it all in order, Wheeze asked me If I was ready and I'm pretty sure I just stared at her with a blank expression.  Sacrement came all to quick and there I was sitting on the stand awaiting my turn to stumble thru this assignment.  I think I was saying so many silent prayers. that went something like Dear God I know I don't deserve thy help, but please let me get through this talk."  When I stood up and started talking I followed my notes pretty well until the the second half where I knew I would struggle, but the words just started to come.  I shared experiences I hadn't even thought of before.  As I was sharing the coolest feeling came over me.  I realized God has been in the details of  my life I was just to stubborn  to see.  I thought about the one day I was so angry and wanted to give up and call it quits with every aspect of my life.  On that day I think I got at least 7 of my friends calling or texting me randomly.  Some were just to chat and some said they felt like they needed to see how I was doing!  At the time the thought come to me that God does love me because he told all these friends to check up on me, but I quickly shoved aside the thought and tried to remain bitter and angry.  As I was speaking and through talking to a friend earlier, the spirit testified to me that the way God talks to me is through others.  He had been showing his love for me through my friends and other loved ones.  I had wanted the answer to my prayers to be in a different form like a burning bush or angel appearing from the sky.  The talk ended up going really well even though I cried a bit.
Sometimes we just don't get answers in the way we want or expect, but If we look at our lives, we can truely see how the lord's hand is present.  Through this talk I was able to think about the people in my life that have been my Lower Lights and guided me back to the shore, or back into the fold.  I am grateful that people were able to view my poterntial instead of looking at me like a lost cause.  Its true what the scripture says in D&C 62:3 that through small things, great things come to pass.