Well For the start of this blog I can't think of a better experience to share than the experience I had this past sunday with the topic of my talk. To be brutally honest as of late I have felt very abandonded by God. My prayers haven't seemed to be getting answered and the anger has taken over any hope I was clinging to. I was assigned the topic of Hymn number 335, Brightly Beams our Fathers Mercy. I was to talk on how Christ is the Light house and we are the Lower Lights guiding others to Christ. The first part of my assignement sounded great, but then I read through my email and caught the part where they wanted me to talk on God's Mercy. When I read that, my head dropped and I felt utterly sick to my stomach. How could I speak on a subject I just didn't believe in anymore?! I felt God was the least merciful being and more like a kid with a magnifying glass in the sun and I was the ant getting my head fried!! I even asked the Bishop "Do I lie and pretend I have a testimony of Gods mercy??" I was so upset by the prospect. I sought advice from many friends and one of my mission companions shared some fabulous insights on Gods mercy. As the time to Sunday ticked closer I still couldn't pull my talk together. I decided to share about the Lower Lights then basically read the notes my mission companion had shared with me. I felt there was no other option. When I arrived at church I went thru all my notes to make sure I had it all in order, Wheeze asked me If I was ready and I'm pretty sure I just stared at her with a blank expression. Sacrement came all to quick and there I was sitting on the stand awaiting my turn to stumble thru this assignment. I think I was saying so many silent prayers. that went something like Dear God I know I don't deserve thy help, but please let me get through this talk." When I stood up and started talking I followed my notes pretty well until the the second half where I knew I would struggle, but the words just started to come. I shared experiences I hadn't even thought of before. As I was sharing the coolest feeling came over me. I realized God has been in the details of my life I was just to stubborn to see. I thought about the one day I was so angry and wanted to give up and call it quits with every aspect of my life. On that day I think I got at least 7 of my friends calling or texting me randomly. Some were just to chat and some said they felt like they needed to see how I was doing! At the time the thought come to me that God does love me because he told all these friends to check up on me, but I quickly shoved aside the thought and tried to remain bitter and angry. As I was speaking and through talking to a friend earlier, the spirit testified to me that the way God talks to me is through others. He had been showing his love for me through my friends and other loved ones. I had wanted the answer to my prayers to be in a different form like a burning bush or angel appearing from the sky. The talk ended up going really well even though I cried a bit.
Sometimes we just don't get answers in the way we want or expect, but If we look at our lives, we can truely see how the lord's hand is present. Through this talk I was able to think about the people in my life that have been my Lower Lights and guided me back to the shore, or back into the fold. I am grateful that people were able to view my poterntial instead of looking at me like a lost cause. Its true what the scripture says in D&C 62:3 that through small things, great things come to pass.
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